Why It Hurts to Hold a Grudge — and How to Let Go with Dr. Fred Luskin
Forgiveness might sound simple, but it's hard to let go of the anger that comes with being deeply hurt. Grudges, bitterness, and frustration with life’s unfairness can quietly build up over time and take a real toll on our mental and physical health. As The Happiness Lab kicks off...
Forgiveness might sound simple, but it's hard to let go of the anger that comes with being deeply hurt. Grudges, bitterness, and frustration with life’s unfairness can quietly build up over time and take a real toll on our mental and physical health.
As The Happiness Lab kicks off a new season on spring cleaning your wellbeing, Dr. Laurie sits down with psychologist Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, to explore what research says about forgiveness. Why is letting go of resentment so much harder than it sounds? And what does it really mean to forgive someone?
Plus, we revisit a powerful story from the archives that shows what forgiveness can look like in the face of profound loss and why it might be the most radical act of self-care we can take.
Experts Referenced:
- Dr. Fred Luskin, psychologist and director of the Stanford Forgiveness Projects
- Miroslav Volf, Professor of Theology at Yale Divinity School and founder of the Yale Center for Faith & Culture
- Katy Milkman, Professor at The Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania
Resources Mentioned:
- "Put Your Imperfections Behind You: Temporal Landmarks Spur Goal Initiation When They Signal New Beginnings," by Hengchen Dai, Katherine L. Milkman, and Jason Riis (Psychological Science, 2015)
- Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, by Fred Luskin (2002)
- “Effects of a Group Forgiveness Intervention on Forgiveness, Perceived Stress, and Trait-Anger” by Alex H. S. Harris, Frederic Luskin, Sonya B. Norman, Sam Standard, Jennifer Bruning, Stephanie Evans, and Carl E. Thoresen (Journal of Clinical Psychology, 2006)
- “Forgiveness and Conflict Resolution in Marriage” by Frank D. Fincham, Steven R. H. Beach, and Joanne Davila (Journal of Family Psychology, 2004)
- Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace, by Miroslav Volf (2006)
Related Episodes:
- "Happiness Lessons of the Ancients: Forgiveness" (The Happiness Lab, 2021)
- "A New Hope" (The Happiness Lab, 2020)
Why You're Still Using Social Media (Even If You Want to Stop) with Dr. Cass Sunstein
Why is social media so hard to quit? We waste hours scrolling, feel worse when we log off, and still find ourselves going back for more. Dr. Laurie sits down with Dr. Cass Sunstein, co-author of (00:00:57) Nudge, to explore a new concept from the 2026 World Happiness Report: the “produ...
Why is social media so hard to quit? We waste hours scrolling, feel worse when we log off, and still find ourselves going back for more.
Dr. Laurie sits down with Dr. Cass Sunstein, co-author of (00:00:57) Nudge, to explore a new concept from the 2026 World Happiness Report: the “product trap.” Together, they unpack why we keep returning to platforms that make us unhappy — and what it might take to finally break free.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Technopoly: The Surrender of Culture to Technology
Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth, and Happiness
“The Welfare Effects of Social Media”
“When Product Markets Become Collective Traps: The Case of Social Media”
What is Social Media Doing to Kids? with Dr. Jean Twenge
Over the past decade, rates of depression and loneliness have surged among young people. Many researchers point to one major change: the rise of smartphones and social media. But what does the data actually show? Psychologist Jean Twenge has spent years studying how technology shap...
Over the past decade, rates of depression and loneliness have surged among young people. Many researchers point to one major change: the rise of smartphones and social media. But what does the data actually show?
Psychologist Jean Twenge has spent years studying how technology shapes adolescent happiness. Dr. Laurie sits down with her to unpack new findings from the 2026 World Happiness Report on how social media use affects teen wellbeing around the world.
What happens when kids spend hours a day on these platforms? Is any amount of social media actually beneficial? And what can we all do to build healthier relationships with our phones, regardless of age?
Resources mentioned in this episode:
“What is the International Day of Happiness?”
“Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?”
“National Trends in the Prevalence and Treatment of Depression in Adolescents and Young Adults”
“Pew Research Center Mobile Fact Sheet”
“The Effects of Social Media Restriction: Meta-Analytic Evidence from Randomized controlled Trials”
“Over 20,000 Educators Share Insights on School Cell Phone Policies”
How to Stop Work From Taking Over Your Life
Work doesn’t end when the workday does. Even after we close our laptops, our minds keep replaying awkward meetings, looming deadlines, and unfinished to-do lists. Over time, that “always on” mentality can quietly hijack our relationships, our health, and our happiness. Dr. Lauri...
Work doesn’t end when the workday does. Even after we close our laptops, our minds keep replaying awkward meetings, looming deadlines, and unfinished to-do lists. Over time, that “always on” mentality can quietly hijack our relationships, our health, and our happiness.
Dr. Laurie sits down with psychologist and bestselling author Guy Winch (Mind Over Grind: How to Break Free When Work Hijacks Your Life) to explore the science of work stress — and why so many of us get stuck in fight-or-flight mode long after we’ve left the office.
Plus, Ben Walter, host of “The Unshakeables” and CEO of Chase for Business, shares what he’s learned from working with small business owners who don’t have the option to simply “clock out.”
If you’ve ever felt like work is bleeding into everything, this episode offers science-based tools to help you take your life back.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Mind Over Grind: How to Break Free When Work Hijacks Your Life
"Burnout: A Review of Theory and Measurement"
"The Relationship Between Workplace Stressors and Mortality and Health Costs in the United States"
"How Small Businesses Drive the American Economy"
"Yerkes-Dodson Law Of Arousal And Performance"
“The Use of Imagery to Manipulate Challenge and Threat Appraisal States in Athletes”
Inside the Love Lab with Drs. John & Julie Gottman (Part 2)
In Part 2 of Dr. Laurie’s conversation with researchers Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, we learn how couples can raise complaints without damaging their relationship — and how to respond constructively when a partner voices a concern. Their research shows that fightin...
In Part 2 of Dr. Laurie’s conversation with researchers Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, we learn how couples can raise complaints without damaging their relationship — and how to respond constructively when a partner voices a concern. Their research shows that fighting doesn’t have to pull couples apart. When handled well, conflict can actually make relationships stronger.
Further reading: Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.
Inside the Love Lab with Drs. John & Julie Gottman (Part 1)
In this classic episode, Dr. Laurie speaks with two of the world’s most influential relationship scientists, Drs. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. In their renowned “Love Lab,” the married researchers have studied thousands of couples, identifying the subtle interaction...
In this classic episode, Dr. Laurie speaks with two of the world’s most influential relationship scientists, Drs. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman.
In their renowned “Love Lab,” the married researchers have studied thousands of couples, identifying the subtle interaction patterns that predict whether partners will drift apart or stay happily together for decades.
They join Dr. Laurie to share what we can learn from these “Masters of Relationships” — and how to build partnerships resilient enough to withstand life’s inevitable stresses and strains.
Further reading: Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.
Why Algorithms Can’t Predict Your Love Life with Dr. Paul Eastwick
Modern dating can feel like a marketplace. We’re told we all have a “mate value,” that some people are 9s and 10s, and that the laws of evolution determine who gets chosen — and who gets rejected. But what if we’ve misunderstood what evolutionary science actually say...
Modern dating can feel like a marketplace. We’re told we all have a “mate value,” that some people are 9s and 10s, and that the laws of evolution determine who gets chosen — and who gets rejected. But what if we’ve misunderstood what evolutionary science actually says about love?
Dr. Laurie sits down with social psychologist Dr. Paul Eastwick, author of Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection, to challenge some of the most pervasive myths about attraction and compatibility. Do dating app algorithms actually know who's right for you? Are we really all placed in different "leagues"? If you’ve ever wondered whether love is destiny, biology, or something you can actually create, Dr. Eastwick offers a surprising new perspective.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection
“The Pairing Game: A Classroom Demonstration of the Matching Phenomenon”
“Northwestern Speed-dating Study I”
“Northwestern Speed-dating Study II”
“The (Mental) Ties That Bind: Cognitive Structures That Predict Relationship Resilience”
“We’re Not That Choosy: Emerging Evidence of a Progression Bias in Romantic Relationships”
“Is Romantic Desire Predictable? Machine Learning Applied to Initial Romantic Attraction”
How to Find "The One": The Science of Dating with Tim Molnar
Modern dating can feel exhausting. On one hand, there’s the seemingly endless swiping that leads to dating app burnout; on the other, there’s what can feel like the insurmountable challenge of meeting someone in real life. But what if finding love is less about fate — and more a...
Modern dating can feel exhausting. On one hand, there’s the seemingly endless swiping that leads to dating app burnout; on the other, there’s what can feel like the insurmountable challenge of meeting someone in real life.
But what if finding love is less about fate — and more about strategy? Dr. Laurie sits down with behavioral scientist and dating coach Tim Molnar, author of Date Smarter: A Strategic Guide to Navigating Modern Romance, to explore what the research really says about how to meet the right person, build genuine connection, and avoid common dating mistakes.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Date Smarter: A Strategic Guide to Navigating Modern Romance
“Receptivity to Sexual Invitations from Strangers of the Opposite Gender”
How to Bounce Back from Life’s Curveballs (with Dr. Maya Shankar)
“Computations of Uncertainty Mediate Acute Stress Responses in Humans”
“Implementation Intentions and Goal Achievement: A Meta-Analysis of Effects and Processes”
“Forbes Health Survey: 78% Of All Users Report Dating App Burnout”
“Foot-in-the-Door Technique Using a Courtship Request”
“Getting Beyond Small Talk: Study Finds People Enjoy Deep Conversations with Strangers”
“Grammar Is Super Important to Online Dating Sites, So Try to Speak English Good”
(00:02:17) Date Smarter: A Strategic Guide to Navigating Modern Romance
How to Feel Truly Loved (with Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Dr. Harry Reis)
Most of us have people in our lives who love us — partners, friends, family — yet many of us still don’t feel as loved as we want to. Why is there such a gap between being loved and feeling loved? And what can we actually do about it? Dr. Laurie sits down with social psychologis...
Most of us have people in our lives who love us — partners, friends, family — yet many of us still don’t feel as loved as we want to. Why is there such a gap between being loved and feeling loved? And what can we actually do about it?
Dr. Laurie sits down with social psychologists Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Dr. Harry Reis, co-authors of How to Feel Loved, to unpack the science behind this disconnect. They explain why feeling loved so often eludes us — even in close relationships — and share research-backed insights that can help us change the conversation, strengthen our connections, and feel more loved both now and in the relationships we build in the future.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most
"Social Ties and Susceptibility to the Common Cold"
"Toward Understanding Understanding: The Importance of Feeling Understood in Relationships"
How to Win Friends and Influence People
How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls
"Self-Expansion Theory: Origins, Current Evidence, and Future Horizons"
"Everyday Prosociality in the Workplace: The Reinforcing Benefits of Giving, Getting, and Glimpsing"
"The Genomic Impact of Kindness to Self vs. Others: A Randomized Controlled Trial"
How to Design a More Meaningful Life (with Dave Evans and Bill Burnett)
What does it mean to live a meaningful life? How do you find direction when you feel stuck or you’re unsure about your purpose? Dave Evans and Bill Burnett, co-founders of the Stanford Life Design Lab and authors of How to Live a Meaningful Life join Dr. Laurie to challenge our assumptions...
What does it mean to live a meaningful life? How do you find direction when you feel stuck or you’re unsure about your purpose? Dave Evans and Bill Burnett, co-founders of the Stanford Life Design Lab and authors of How to Live a Meaningful Life join Dr. Laurie to challenge our assumptions about where meaning really comes from. They share practical strategies from the world of design thinking to create a more purposeful and fulfilling life while making the most of your current circumstances.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life
How to Live a Meaningful Life: Using Design Thinking to Unlock Purpose, Joy, and Flow Every Day
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience
The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are
"Overly Shallow?: Miscalibrated Expectations Create a Barrier to Deeper Conversation"
The Surprising Science of Creativity (with Dr. George Newman)
We often think creativity comes from sudden flashes of genius within us. But what if ideas actually exist in the world around us — waiting to be discovered and shaped by anyone paying attention? Creativity expert Dr. George Newman, author of How Great Ideas Happen, explains how anyone can...
We often think creativity comes from sudden flashes of genius within us. But what if ideas actually exist in the world around us — waiting to be discovered and shaped by anyone paying attention?
Creativity expert Dr. George Newman, author of How Great Ideas Happen, explains how anyone can become a creativity "archaeologist," uncovering innovative ideas while avoiding common myths about creativity that keep us stuck.
Why Chasing Success Can Leave You Feeling Stuck (with David Brooks)
It’s easy to fixate on the usual markers of success — your resume, your net worth, or how “impressive” you seem on paper. But how much do those things really speak to our wellbeing? And what do we miss when we only focus on them? Author and cultural commentator David Brook...
It’s easy to fixate on the usual markers of success — your resume, your net worth, or how “impressive” you seem on paper. But how much do those things really speak to our wellbeing? And what do we miss when we only focus on them?
Author and cultural commentator David Brooks reflects on what he learned when he moved beyond ambition, and shares some practical ways to get unstuck.
How to Bounce Back from Life’s Curveballs (with Dr. Maya Shankar)
Life has a way of upending even our best-laid plans. Breakups, job losses, scary health diagnoses — these unexpected changes can leave us feeling stuck and uncertain about what comes next.Dr. Laurie speaks with her dear friend and former student, Dr. Maya Shankar, author of The Other Side o...
Life has a way of upending even our best-laid plans. Breakups, job losses, scary health diagnoses — these unexpected changes can leave us feeling stuck and uncertain about what comes next.
Dr. Laurie speaks with her dear friend and former student, Dr. Maya Shankar, author of The Other Side of Change and host of A Slight Change of Plans, about how to navigate these major shifts, including practical tips for leaning into change instead of resisting it and reimagining the possible selves we can become in the new year.
Stop Wasting Your Energy — Here’s What to Do Instead (with Dr. Diana Hill)
A lot of us spend our energy on things that aren’t worth it: projects, relationships, or goals that may feel important in the moment but ultimately leave us frustrated and drained. Dr. Diana Hill, clinical psychologist and author of Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matte...
A lot of us spend our energy on things that aren’t worth it: projects, relationships, or goals that may feel important in the moment but ultimately leave us frustrated and drained.
Dr. Diana Hill, clinical psychologist and author of Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, gives us a roadmap for applying our energy more effectively in the new year — so that our lives feel lighter, more purposeful, and energizing instead of exhausting.
Holiday Survival Guide II: Perfect Gifts and Fighting Fatigue (with Rainn Wilson)
What stresses you out over the festive season? Happiness Lab listeners sent in their holiday woes so Dr Laurie and guest Rainn Wilson (The Office star and host of Soul Boom) could weigh in with some science-backed advice. In the second part of our Holiday Survival Guide, Dr Laurie and Rainn...
What stresses you out over the festive season? Happiness Lab listeners sent in their holiday woes so Dr Laurie and guest Rainn Wilson (The Office star and host of Soul Boom) could weigh in with some science-backed advice.
In the second part of our Holiday Survival Guide, Dr Laurie and Rainn discuss what makes the perfect gift, how to slow down to enjoy the festivities, and why your smart phone should join the elf on a shelf.
Holiday Survival Guide I: Ending Family Arguments (with Rainn Wilson)
What stresses you out over the festive season? Happiness Lab listeners sent in their holiday woes so Dr Laurie and guest Rainn Wilson (The Office star and host of Soul Boom) could weigh in with some science-backed advice. In the first part of our Holiday Survival Guide, Dr Laurie and Rainn...
What stresses you out over the festive season? Happiness Lab listeners sent in their holiday woes so Dr Laurie and guest Rainn Wilson (The Office star and host of Soul Boom) could weigh in with some science-backed advice.
In the first part of our Holiday Survival Guide, Dr Laurie and Rainn discuss ways to defuse family arguments, why it's ok to feel sad at Christmas, and how to beat festive FOMO.
And find Nick Epley's "deep questions" conversation guide at drlauriesantos.com/deepquestions.
How to Experience the Joy of Giving Right Now
According to the science, it really is better to give than receive. Donating a dollar; sharing a kind word or lending someone a hand changes lives, but can also hugely boost your happiness. So we're teaming up with other podcasts from Hidden Brain to Revisionist History to ask you to give to a ch...
According to the science, it really is better to give than receive. Donating a dollar; sharing a kind word or lending someone a hand changes lives, but can also hugely boost your happiness. So we're teaming up with other podcasts from Hidden Brain to Revisionist History to ask you to give to a charity helping some of the poorest people around. We're calling it #PodsFightPoverty.
Go to givedirectly.org/happinesslab right now and give whatever you can. And the first $500,000 we donate will be matched thanks to our friends at Giving Multiplier!
Even a small donation will make you feel good and have a much larger impact on the world than you thought possible. To help inspire you, this special episode examines the science of giving and shares stories of heartwarming and impactful acts of kindness.
Why Being Grateful Makes Us Feel Great (A Thanksgiving Re-run)
It's Thanksgiving - a good time to think about gratitude and being selfless. Concentrating on the things we have to be grateful for is a great way to boost your happiness. So thank the people who've done good things for you, and think of ways you can help others too. This circle of gr...
It's Thanksgiving - a good time to think about gratitude and being selfless. Concentrating on the things we have to be grateful for is a great way to boost your happiness. So thank the people who've done good things for you, and think of ways you can help others too.
This circle of gratitude – the science suggests – will also make you a better friend to one of the most important people in your life… your future self.
In a re-run of a 2020 episode, Dr Laurie investigates this effect with Northeastern University’s Professor David DeSteno – author of “Emotional Success: The Power of Gratitude, Compassion and Pride.”
Reset Your Relationship with Stress (for National Stress Awareness Day)
On National Stress Awareness Day we've pulled a popular episode from our archive. Stress can suck. Many of us drown in it - worrying about past events and fearing upcoming challenges. We even stress about feeling stressed. So how can we reset our relationship with stress - benefitting from i...
On National Stress Awareness Day we've pulled a popular episode from our archive. Stress can suck. Many of us drown in it - worrying about past events and fearing upcoming challenges. We even stress about feeling stressed. So how can we reset our relationship with stress - benefitting from its positives and avoiding those negatives?
Dr Jenny Taitz has some effective tips to help you greet stress more healthily. A clinical psychologist and the author of Stress Resets: How to Soothe Your Body and Mind in Minutes, Dr Jenny explains that if we think differently about challenges and tough situations and take action, then stress can become a friend rather than a foe.
How Horror Movies and True Crime Can Make You Happier
Halloween isn't just costumes and candy. It's also a time when we indulge our interest in the scary and macabre. But there's also a taboo about gory horror movies and gruesome true crime shows - we often feel that being interested in blood and violence is unhealthy. The opposite is possibly true....
Halloween isn't just costumes and candy. It's also a time when we indulge our interest in the scary and macabre. But there's also a taboo about gory horror movies and gruesome true crime shows - we often feel that being interested in blood and violence is unhealthy. The opposite is possibly true.
Psychologist Coltan Scrivner (author of Morbidly Curious: A Scientist Explains Why We Can’t Look Away) says that watching a scary movie or listening to a murder podcast is perfectly natural and in fact teaches us valuable lessons to enhance our emotional resilience.