How Good Manners Made Me Happier (with Etiquette Expert William Hanson)
In a world that often feels chaotic and unpredictable, some people have found a surprising source of comfort: etiquette. You might think of etiquette as just fussy rules about which fork to use, but it may be more related to improving your well-being than you think.
I recently sat down with British etiquette expert William Hanson, author of Just Good Manners, who makes a compelling case for why the rules of politeness aren't just about napkin folds and thank-you notes. According to William, etiquette might be one of the most under-appreciated strategies we have for finding structure, comfort, and even joy when the world feels out of control.
If you want to hear more about how the rules of etiquette can be a surprising path to feeling better, listen to my full conversation with William Hanson in this week’s episode of The Happiness Lab, “How Good Manners Made Me Happier (with Etiquette Expert William Hanson).”
Here are some ways that the rituals can help us feel better when times are tough:
Etiquette provides a sense of order. Research by the Harvard psychologist Mike Norton has found that rituals can provide a sense of comfort and predictability in our lives. Etiquette, with its clear rules and expectations, functions as a powerful form of ritual that can help structure our social interactions and provide emotional stability. And this can be especially helpful during tough social times. William explained that our most rigid etiquette rules often show up at the most emotionally-intense social moments: weddings, funerals, and formal ceremonies. Even a simple dress code or seating chart can offer comfort when social situations feel overwhelming.
Etiquette can enhance our joy, not just our stress relief. A beautiful table setting doesn’t just impress your guests—it sets the stage for savoring. The research shows that we get happiness not just from experiences themselves, but from the anticipation of them. Setting out proper invitations, choosing the right music, and even dressing up all help us pause, savor, and stretch the joy of social moments.
Manners are about helping other people. At its core, etiquette isn't about impressing others—it's about considering them. William explained that British etiquette, in particular, evolved as a way for people living in close quarters to get along. Manners give us a shared script: we say "sorry" to diffuse tension, we pass the butter to be generous, and we write thank-you notes to show that others matter.
Take action today: Try embracing a little etiquette as a way to bring more intention and calm to your week. Maybe it’s setting the table tonight, writing a quick thank-you note, or starting your morning with a cheerful "good day" to your neighbor. These small gestures aren’t just about rules—they’re also about relationships. And they might just make you (and those around you) a little bit happier.
P.S. Want to learn more science-backed strategies for increasing your well-being? Check out my free Coursera course, The Science of Well-Being, or my course specifically for parents at DrLaurieSantos.com/Parents.
P.P.S. Know someone who could use a little extra structure or joy? Share this newsletter with them—maybe over a properly set cup of tea.
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You can find all our companion guides from this season of The Happiness Lab on DrLaurieSantos.com/Newsletter.
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