How to Tackle Bad Behavior (with Dr Becky Kennedy)
Hello Happiness Lab listeners,
Have you ever noticed that when your child is acting up, traditional discipline methods often make things worse? Today's guest offers some perspective on why that happens — and what to do instead.
This week, I had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, mother of three, and founder of Good Inside. Dr. Becky has transformed the parenting landscape with her refreshing “good inside” approach — which views challenging behaviors not as problems to be controlled, but as clues to what's happening inside our children.
When faced with a tantrum, a lie, or a messy room, many of us instinctively reach for tactics like timeouts, punishments, or stern lectures. But Dr. Becky suggests a different path — one that builds connection while still maintaining boundaries.
A Parent's Two Essential Jobs
According to Dr. Becky, a parent always has two jobs that work in tandem:
Setting boundaries - Making key decisions and setting limits that keep our children safe
Validating feelings - Connecting to our child's lived experience by acknowledging their emotions
The trick is doing both simultaneously. When you set a boundary ("TV time is over"), your child will likely feel upset. That's when you validate their feelings ("I know it's disappointing when your show gets interrupted") while still holding firm on your boundary. As Dr. Becky puts it,
““Validating feelings goes hand in hand with holding your boundaries.””
What Boundaries Really Are
One of my favorite concepts from my conversation with Dr. Becky was her definition of a “boundary:” A boundary is something you tell your child you will do, and it doesn’t require your child to do anything.
For example, instead of saying "Stop jumping on the couch!" (which is a request, not a boundary), try something like: "Hey, sweetie, I need you to get off the couch. I'm going to walk to you, and if by the time I get there you’re still jumping on the couch, I will place you on the ground and show you a safer place to jump that's not near our glass table.”
This approach is neither harsh nor overly gentle — it's sturdy. You're embodying your authority while showing your child that you'll help them follow the rules.
Teaching Kids to Handle Uncomfortable Feelings
Many parents believe their job is to make their children happy all the time, inadvertently taking on the role of the “happiness police.” Instead, we need to focus on helping our children cope with their discomfort.
While it’s tempting to jump in with reassurances or distractions when your child says something like "I'm the only one in my class who can't read," Dr. Becky suggests simply sitting with them in that uncomfortable feeling. You can even say something like, “I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. I believe you. Tell me more.”
With this approach, you're teaching your child something profound: you are not afraid of their feelings. Feelings don't overwhelm children — feeling alone in feelings overwhelms children.
Choose Curiosity Over Judgment
When your child misbehaves (or when you react in a way you regret), judgment is the default response: "What's wrong with them?" or "What's wrong with me?" But judgment keeps us stuck.
Curiosity, on the other hand, creates space for understanding and growth. Instead of “Why did you lie to me?” try "I wonder what felt so important that you couldn't be honest with me about it.” Approaching your child’s behavior with curiosity makes your child more likely to tell the truth if they believe they can maintain a connection with you.
We can also apply this curiosity approach to ourselves as parents. After yelling at your child, instead of harsh self-criticism, try: “I'm a good person who was having a hard time. I wonder what came up for me in that moment.”
Infuse Play into Power Struggles
At times, parenting can feel like an endless grind of routines, responsibilities, and power struggles. Dr. Becky encourages us to infuse playfulness into the mix — especially in those moments when we're most tempted to resort to control and anger.
For example, when faced with the perpetual battle over towels left on the floor, Dr. Becky pretends her eyesight is failing due to age: "I feel like I see a towel on the floor, but I’m in my 40s, and my eyes are kind of going..." Her kids laugh, roll their eyes, and — most importantly — pick up the towel.
Take action today: The next time your child does something that triggers you, pause and get curious instead of jumping to judgment. Ask yourself: “I wonder what need they're trying to meet right now.” This simple shift can transform a power struggle into a moment of connection.
Want to learn more science-backed strategies for happier parenting? Enroll in my free course, The Science of Well-Being for Parents on Coursera, where we explore the "cognitive triad" of happier parenting: thinking differently, feeling differently, and acting differently. You can sign up at drlauriesantos.com/parents.
Looking for more?
You can find all our companion guides from this season of The Happiness Lab on DrLaurieSantos.com/Newsletter.
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