How to Think Like a Child (with David Yeager)
Growing up is weird. One minute, you’re a kid convinced you know what makes you happy and frustrated that adults just don’t get it. You swear you’ll be different when it’s your turn to be in charge.
And then, seemingly overnight, you are that grown-up wondering why it’s suddenly so hard to connect with your teen or why your advice keeps landing with eye rolls and silence. That's why I was so excited to talk with the developmental psychologist Dr. David Yeager, whose research offers fresh insights into what young people really need to feel motivated and why our usual approaches like nagging, grownsplaining, and well-meaning lectures often backfire.
If you're a longtime listener, you might remember David from his previous appearance on The Happiness Lab where he explained how adopting a growth mindset can transform our ability to learn and overcome challenges (Listen to “How to Adopt a Growth Mindset”). This time, he's applying his research to the specific challenge of motivating young people.
When we meet our kids with genuine curiosity and high expectations—what David calls “being a warm demander”—we can stop the cycle of disconnection and start building better conversations, stronger relationships, and ultimately, happier families. Listen to my conversation with David Yeager in our episode, “How to Think Like a Child.”
5 Ways to Motivate Young People
1: Understand What Really Motivates Teens. Many of us still subscribe to what David calls the “neurobiological incompetence model,” the belief that teens just don’t listen because their brains aren’t fully developed yet. But the science suggests something different: teens are motivated, just not always by what adults think should matter. They care deeply about autonomy, social status, and feeling respected. When we keep these motivations in mind, we can approach teens in ways that actually resonate and stop wasting energy on strategies that don’t work.
2: Be a Warm Demander. Kids thrive when we hold them to high standards and offer warmth along the way. That might look like setting clear boundaries and reminding them you’re on their team even when they’re mad at you.
3: Stop Nagging, Start Listening. Nagging might feel like gentle guidance, but research shows it often has the opposite effect, quieting the parts of teens’ brains responsible for planning and decision-making. What sounds like a gentle reminder to us (“Don’t forget your coat!”) can land like a micromanaging blow to your child’s independence. Instead of repeating reminders, try curiosity and ask “What’s making this hard right now?”
4: Make it Conversation, Not a Lecture. When tensions rise, skip the lecture. Ask instead: “What does this rule mean to you?” or “How else could we see this?” These small questions help your kid get curious about their emotions and reflect on their choices, which are skills they’ll carry long after the disagreement ends.
5. Troubleshoot Together. When your child messes up, resist the urge to jump in and fix it. Instead, use what David calls “collaborative troubleshooting.” Think of yourself like a tutor—not giving answers, but guiding them with questions. This kind of curiosity shows your child that you don’t see them as a problem to be solved, but as a person learning to figure it out.
What I love about David’s approach is that it respects young people’s deep need for autonomy, while still giving them the structure and support they crave. It’s a perfect follow-up to this season’s conversation with Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach, where we explored the idea that our children aren’t lumps of clay for us to mold, but seeds that already hold everything they need to grow.
Like Glennon said, our job isn’t to control who our kids become; it’s to create the right conditions for them to flourish. And David’s research helps us understand how to do that in everyday interactions: by listening more, lecturing less, and trusting that young people will rise to the occasion when they feel seen.
Take action today: The next time your child is resistant to something you've asked them to do, try putting aside that grownsplaining instinct. Instead, use the moment as an opportunity to understand your child: ask them what it means to them when you make this request, and be genuinely curious about their answer. You might be surprised at what you learn and how much more receptive they become when they feel respected and understood.
Want to learn more science-backed strategies for happier parenting? Enroll in my free course, The Science of Well-Being for Parents on Coursera, where we explore the "cognitive triad" of happier parenting: thinking differently, feeling differently, and acting differently. You can sign up at drlauriesantos.com/parents.
P.S. Don’t forget to check out David’s book, 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People: A Groundbreaking Approach to Leading the Next Generation—And Making Your Own Life Easier.
Looking for more?
You can find all our companion guides from this season of The Happiness Lab on DrLaurieSantos.com/Newsletter.
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